TheButtaFlyDiaries

About 2 weeks ago I was called into a meeting at work.  In this meeting, I was told that my supervisor (of less than 6 months) was being transferred to another department and that I would be getting a new supervisor. Unlike my coworkers, I was okay with the change. Honestly, I wasn’t too happy, but I kept it all to myself.  They way I saw it, complaining would do no good as the work would still be there to do.  Everything was all good until a few days later when the new supervisor called me into her office. She basically told me that everything my previous supervisors told me was wrong and that I didn’t know how to do my job. When you have been on a job for a while and then someone comes along and makes you feel incompetent, it can really mess up your mood. After leaving her office that day, I was thinking about asking for a voluntary demotion or even quitting my job. I think I might have shed a couple of tears. That was on a Friday.  When I went home, I was determined not to let that ruin my weekend. I told myself that I been on my job for close to 8 years and I cant throw all of that away over something that I know is not true.  The closer it got to Monday, the more anxious I became. I woke up at 4 am on Monday morning.  I prayed, I had my dad to pray, and on the way to work I even called one of my girl friends and told her to pray.  I felt pretty good by the time I got to work.  From the time I walked in the door she was on me.  Telling me that I didn’t process enough cases or that my process for completing cases was wrong.  I was able to keep my emotions and temper in check, unlike everyone around me who was constantly complaining.  Same thing went on Tuesday.  I just kept quiet and did what was asked of me, no matter how unreasonable I thought it was.  On Wednesday, I was called into a special meeting with upper management.  Imagine my surprise when I was told that I would be transferred back to my old supervisor! It took everything in me to not jump up and down once I found out.  I bet I was sitting there looking like some kind of smiling fool! I said all of that to say this…complaining gets you nothing but more work.  Just do the work and keep the complaining to a minimum and things will work themselves out.  And oh yeah, prayer works too!

In an ideal world, I would have a man that supplies me with the 3 P’s…protection, provision, and penetration.

When I was 16, I got my first job at Chick fil a. I worked the drive thru. One night Morris Chesnut came through. I was star struck! This was around the time Boyz N the Hood came out, or maybe a little after. Anyway, after he paid for his food, he asked for the hookup and I gave him a bag full of lemon merengue pies.

For so long I have let his views and opinions influence how I feel about myself and others. Instead of figuring things out on my own, I let him tell me who I should interact with and who I shouldn’t. For as long as I could remember, I was told that ALL boys are bad and only want one thing. I had a hard time believing that ALL boys were like this, so I set out to prove him wrong. I talked to boys on the phone when I wasn’t supposed to, I met up with them when I was supposed to be at the library, I just knew he had to be wrong. I rebelled so hard that I ended up running into the exact people that he was trying to keep me away from. As a result of all of the unhealthy relationships that I had with boys, I was unable to distinguish healthy ones from unhealthy ones.

Fast forward a few years and now I am an adult. A female who is really doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a man. I’ve gone from relationship to relationship and still don’t really know what I am looking for. I am tired. On the one hand, I am ready to settle down and be somebody’s wife. On the other, I am ready to go out and experience life without having to worry some man (husband, boyfriend, or dad). Maybe one day I will know what I want…